I have been busy busy busy. I dove back into my studies in the fall. I started out with only two classes so that I would get a taste of university again without letting my stress take over again. Stress is, undeniably, one of the largest, most impactful factors that lead to autoimmune disease crisis. Not saying that stress is the only thing that can cause a disaster, but it can definitely be the last push to get you over the edge.
You're gonna think, "what a nerd" when I say this but I actually missed school. Don't get me wrong, I loved having a break and taking 6 months off of school was exactly what I needed to get back on my feet but it got BORING. There are only so many movies and tv series on Netflix to keep me occupied (I will post recommendations at the bottom). I was so excited to go back to school because it meant that I was getting better. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got back in my groove and it felt SO good.
My schedule was fantastic:
Tuesday - 7:00-9:50pm - Sociology 111
Friday - 9:00-11:50am - Psychology 120
I had a breathable amount of schoolwork. This allowed me to set goals and work towards deadlines. I found myself in my studies and I was reminded of why I loved learning. Fortunately for me, my classes are Distance-Ed, meaning that I can live at home and go to school nearby. This was the perfect alternative for me while I was (and still am) recovering.
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| Psychology 120 Potluck! (I am on the far left on the TV screen) |
My platelets have remained stable. October 27th was a big day for me. I was almost in remission. So close. I hit my all-time record high of 148! This was huge for me. I had spent the last 9 fall seasons in crisis, getting bloodwork nearly every other day. I was constantly texting my friend,
"Hey! Tell the teacher I'm gonna be a bit late, getting bloodwork"
ITP became so much of a chore at the end of every year and this year, I just felt relieved. It felt like an absolute miracle. I happened to be at the high school tutoring the afternoon that I got my results back and I remember coming into the library with tears in my eyes I was SO happy. Then, of course, I sent out my count to my parents, grandparents, and then I made a facebook status, Instagram story, snapchat story, and probably posted it to every other social media platform I have access to. I could not contain myself. The positive comments and messages I received back were heartwarming and greatly contributed to the joy that I felt that day.
I was 2 platelets away from remission. I thought for sure that I was done with all this ITP stuff but then I dropped to 128. Don't get me wrong, that is a great number! I was happy and still am, but a number above 150 would have been the absolute best news I could have ever received. Fingers crossed that it won't be long before my platelets decide to add a few more to the family!
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| Brooklyn & I |
It was the night of the 26th and we were getting ready to head for home in the morning. We were sitting on the couches visiting with our grandparents when I got really hungry. So, I ate 4 Chrismas oranges. Then I ate a couple handfuls of cotton candy. Then a bowl of canned cherries. Then canned peaches. Then some chocolates. Another orange. Chips. Popcorn. And this was all AFTER we ate a big supper! I really did have to make up for what I missed out on last year!
Christmas was great and the food, of course, was a huge highlight.
For the past couple of months, I have been battling with my ears. I had a really bad outer ear infection in my left ear that lead me to the ER. I thought that I ruptured or seriously damaged my eardrum because my hearing was not as sharp as it usually is and I was experiencing an extreme amount of pain. The ER doctor prescribed me eardrops which helped for the most part. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago because both of my ears were bugging me. She looked in the right one and said, "yep. that one's bad" and then she looked in my left one and said, "oh my God. Eardrops won't even help at this point". Fortunately, one of the antibiotics I was on for my stomach also worked for my ears and they are, for the most part, better. My doctor originally said that she thinks I have chronically draining eardrums, meaning there could potentially be a hole.
I was referred to an ENT doctor and had my appointment last week. I had been waiting on this appointment for a really long time (or what felt like it) and my ears had progressively gotten worse. Mom and I drove to Nipawin on Friday morning for my 8:30am appointment (ughhhhh way too early). We checked in and sat outside of the room where I was waiting to see my new ENT doctor. I was still a little groggy and maybe half asleep when the door opens and my doctor walks out. My jaw might have dropped to the floor and I may have whispered "oh my God" out loud. He was so good looking I couldn't contain myself. I'm talking young, 6 foot something, hot as hell. So we get in and sit down and he asks me what I do and I literally can't talk. I stuttered until I finally got out that "I'm a student". I was hoping that mom would help out with the conversation because I was obviously distracted the entire time but she must've been distracted too. Anyways, the appointment was all fine and dandy until he wanted to stick this long probe thing up my nose. It basically went to the back of my head. That thing was WAY in there. But it was okay because I was too distracted to hardly notice. This, we realized after, would've been the perfect time to take a photo to "look back on the procedure Tianna had gotten done" but really just look at the hot doctor. Opportunity missed BUT I have his card and might just call him up if my ears get bad again... not that I'm wishing or anything...
In all seriousness, he said that my ears were pretty well healed and that was great news. So as far as that goes, I'm in the clear.
My underlying medical issue for the past little while, on the other hand, has been a difficult one to manage...
Anxiety.
I am gaspy. I get gaspy. I gasp all the time. Non stop.
I have no idea why. It feels like I am not getting enough air. I started on 15mg Mirtazapine in the summer and by the fall, I had upped my dosage to 30mg and I had a referral to a Psychiatrist. This in itself was scary. I'm not crazy so why should I be going to one of those doctors? I had so many thoughts going through my head but I got there only to find out that there was nothing he could do and that I was on the right track.
He also asked me if I smoke marijuana... which has been the weirdest question I've been asked to this date... the answer is 'no' by the way.
My anxiety is different because I have the symptoms but I don't feel any different. I don't feel stressed or anxious, I just suddenly cannot breathe properly. My breathing gets worse in the evening and progressively gets worse as the night goes on. My family doctor (NP) has been unsure of other medical alternatives for me because I do not have depression. Most anxiety medications are also used as anti-depressants but considering that I only have anxiety and not depression, my options are limited. To make things more complicated, there are lots of medications that can impact my platelets so I am always trying to avoid those alternatives as well.
At this point in my life, I am frustrated and at a loss for how to explain it and how to deal with it. I hate going out in public when I gasp all the time. I feel the need to try to fight my gaspyness or try to do it discretely but the more I want to hide it, the worse it gets. I am trying to find a solution and recently, I have invested money in the Calm app. The sleep stories have helped me relax and go to bed at night and now I am venturing into the meditations. I have mixed emotions about meditations... I don't really believe in them... but at the same time, I don't have many other options. I've been trying to do them before I go to bed and they have been working for the most part. They make me feel relaxed but I wouldn't say that they stop my gasping for a long enough period of time. I know that I am going to have to try to do them more throughout the day but I am struggling to manage my time and juggle all of my other things going on as it is.
Right now, I am in 4 classes. My schedule is the exact same as last semester except I have two online classes. Online classes require a ton of reading and work. I have been working all day, every day to get caught up and stay ahead in my classes. I hardly have time to take a break and grab a snack. That being said, this is just the beginning and I am trying to get into a routine that will allow me to have a life that doesn't revolve around my computer. I am just not there yet. This courseload alone is double what I had done last semester and I am ready for it but I am wishing that I had a little more me time.
Basically, my breathing is caused by stress and causes stress. It's a vicious cycle and I am trying so hard to figure out how to end it. My breathing alone has caused me social anxiety. I am always hoping that I blend in enough that nobody will notice my breathing but I am constantly aware that it is a part of me that I cannot hide. It is something that I cannot consciously decide to quit doing. It takes work, lots and lots of hard work and dedication to overcoming this mental health issue. I am hoping that by explaining this, you will get a better understanding of me and what I am going through every day. I am more than just the "gaspy girl". I don't want to have to explain my story or feel the need to explain it everytime I am out with people but I also do want you to be able to ask me about it if you want to. I'm an open book and this blog is almost like my diary.
My anxiety has honestly been one of the biggest things in my life that I have been dealing with. It is an underlying issue in all of my other problems that come about. I don't know why my anxiety started but I do think that my disastrous health episode last year caused me a lot of extra anxiety and has since become a trigger for it. I get especially gaspy and short of breath when I am waiting for a doctors appointment or waiting for my bloodwork results. It is unconscious but predictable.
To be completely honest, my anxiety has taken up what's left of my free time. I have been completely focused on my schoolwork as I am working for a high enough GPA to transfer to a different university but I am thankful that all my resources are so close to home. This allows me to work on my health with great support while working towards an education.
Couple of things I've learned:
- Always jump on a photo opportunity - especially when the doctor is a 10/10! C'mon Mom!
- My gasping does not define me but it is a huge part of who I am
- Meditation isn't all that bad...
- It is incredible how much better I do in school when I don't feel like I'm next to my death bed; I was getting 50's last year, barely getting through my classes, and only thinking about sleep and now, I'm pulling off high 80's!
- Damn it feels good to eat and not be sick all the time
- It is quite possible to eat 2.5 gingerbread houses in the course of a week...
- It is crazy how much can happen in a year
Netflix Recommendations - as promised:
- Switched at Birth
- The Fosters
- Greys Anatomy
- Life in Pieces
- Gossip Girl
- You
- Atypical
- Shameless
This past year has been a wild one. Thank you all for sharing this journey with me!
I am hoping that this year brings answers and high numbers, happiness and good health! Here's to 2019!
Your fragile friend,
Tianna
